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“Then I got off the train in Onion Springs. A beautiful little outpost in the rolling hills,” said Curio. “It was so beautiful that for a while I thought I could make myself a life there, a normal life. Until I met this family of wonderful girls.”

LeDarre stirred and lifted his head. His sleepy eyes narrowed with renewed focus.

“I don’t know where they were from, but the father was gone for a long time. They said he had far away business. I didn’t think much about it at the time.”

The heat was sweltering. Everywhere around them the rocks and sand glimmered and swirled in a blanketing sheen of bright white. There was not a sign of life in any direction. The land was a stove of unfeeling sediment.

“I got to know that whole family, even their mother. They were kind to me and often brought me in for dinner or coffee. The youngest girl liked me especially. She laughed at all my jokes. Always smiling, she was.”

LeDarre began to rock back and forth as though anticipating what was coming next. Curio continued his story, but his words became a blur under the pressure of the heavy air. The tall man shook his head and scratched his ears in an attempt to hear better.

“The day before the father returned, I killed them, one by one. I didn’t want to do it, but I had no choice. Good god, I was so ashamed. After what I’d done, there was no way to leave them.”

“Something isn’t right with you,” said LeDarre, speaking for the first time since the two had stopped.

“How can you be so quick to judge?” snapped Curio in protest. “What was I supposed to do? It’s not my fault that it’s in my nature. I did what anyone would have done. I have enough regret for a dozen lifetimes.”

“You don’t understand,” said the tall man. “There is something wrong here. Something about you and your story.”

“I have no idea what you mean. I’m a harmless man,” Curio said, licking his chapped lips. “I’m only telling you all this because I’m trying to be honest, trying to own up for what I done.”

“Did the father ever catch you?” asked LeDarre.

“Does it look like it?”

“What were their names?” LeDarre was shaking as he uttered the question.

“Hell if I know,” Curio replied. “But I kept one thing from the youngest one, the prettiest one.”

Curio dug through his coat pockets and fished out a small silver necklace with a charm in the center. He gazed at it intently, and kissed it with surprising zeal. Then he threw it to the tall man.

“You can keep it,” he said. “I ain’t got no use for it now.”

LeDarre turned his head from the blazing sun and looked at the necklace he held in his hand. Suddenly, he understood. A tear touched his cheek. Curio saw it and smiled.

The tall man sprung like a flint strike and was upon Curio in an instant, firing a flurry of swift fists to the forehead. Curio’s face split open and blood seeped into his eyes. LeDarre continued pummeling him until Curio’s gasps and yelps became a gurgling mess of spittle and teeth.

LeDarre paused, holding Curio’s writhing body down with a palm to the sternum. He studied the man pinned beneath him for a moment. Then he began his attack again in earnest, this time slapping Curio’s fleshy face open handed with brute force. A foam of pulpy tissue began spilling from the circle of skin that was Curio’s face. Supine and helpless, Curio screamed in agony and resistance as the tall man ceaselessly hammered away at his head in frenzied motion.

The beating lasted for several minutes. Then Curio fell silent. LeDarre encircled Curio’s neck with his hands, pressed his thumbs to the Adam’s apple and squeezed. He clamped so hard that blood vessels began to burst and vertebrae crackled. Curio let out one final, pitiful sigh as his life ebbed away. LeDarre released him and took a long breath.

He straddled a dusty corpse in a red smattered suit. The day grew hotter.

Several minutes passed before the tall man stood, dusted off his hat and continued walking. He walked the rest of the day and all through the night, not stopping once. At first light of the next morning, LeDarre spotted a figure in the distance, a dark speck against the sandy wash. It grew larger as LeDarre gained ground.

Soon the figure became a man, waiting motionlessly in the open. LeDarre approached him until he stood only a few feet away. LeDarre stopped and faced him.

Curio stood alone, staring back at the tall man quizzically. Neither uttered a word. They resumed their march into the sun-scorched distance, walking together, each one close enough to hear the other’s breathing.

This is part one in a two-part story.

They were stranded alone on an alien plain, dust in their eyes, sand in their boots. LeDarre, rail thin and dressed in black, loomed tall among the stone pillars that made up this land. And Curio, fat and snake-eyed, shambling between shadows as though attempting to avert the gaze of watchers from afar.

The two had traveled for hours. They did not know each other, meeting first by morning light on the open country. Neither spoke for a while, but they walked together, each one close enough to hear the other’s breathing. The day grew hot.

Finally, they came to rest in a circle of petrified stumps under the shade of a high cliff.

“Where we going?” It was Curio who spoke first.

“That mountain up ahead looks good enough.” LeDarre sat down and stared into the blinding horizon.

“There must be a town somewhere in this god forsaken desert,” said Curio. “A glass of whiskey, some flatbread, maybe a girl or two.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” said LeDarre. His voice was gravelly and tired. “I figure the high country will at least provide some relief from the sun.”

Curio spat. “I ain’t heading up into the mountains. Nothing up there for me.”

“Suit yourself,” said LeDarre.

Curio shot a resentful squint in the direction of the tall man. He licked his lips maliciously. “Who, or what, you runnin’ from?”

“Lynch mob, same as you, I guess,” replied LeDarre.

“What for?” asked Curio, petulantly.

“I suppose for the same reason as always. I never understood what makes a man do this or that, maybe just his instincts. My instincts always had me doing bad things.”

A hot breeze picked up and washed across the plain, swirling the air into a chalky powder. Flecks of white gathered on the tall man’s wide brimmed hat. He took it off and beat it against his knee.

“Desert snow,” said LeDarre, not so much addressing the other man as he was stating a fact.

“You got anything to drink?” Curio asked.

“No.”

Sweat glistened on Curio’s ample face. His jowls quivered. “What kind of bad things?”

“Killing, mostly,” said LeDarre. The breeze died and the cliff shadows receded. “I think it’s time to get going.”

The tall man stood and began walking. Curio muttered beneath his breath, then got up and followed.

They walked wordlessly, across an arid land and toward the great silhouette of a mountain range. Every few hundred yards or so, LeDarre would turn around and stare in the direction from which they had come. The sky above them was milky white and oppressive.

“I never meant to hurt any of them,” said Curio, suddenly breaking the blistering silence. “They wanted me to do it. All of them.” He stopped and looked at LeDarre.

“There’s a time and place for that,” said the tall man. “I don’t think this is either.”

“But don’t you see? They did this to us. To get me back.”

“I just want to get to the foothills before the sun sets. No use in staying out here in the open tonight.” LeDarre turned and moved on.

Curio stood staring at him for a moment. When the tall man’s form began to shimmer in the distance, almost a mirage, he scurried to catch up.

They continued the long march.

After another mile, Curio began to lose his constitution. His gait became a stumble. At first he made his best attempt to keep up with the steady pace of the tall man, but eventually it became useless. He stopped and sat himself in the sand.

“Wait, stop!” He shouted to the tall man. “Come back, please.”

LeDarre walked another ten paces, then stopped. He turned and came back to where Curio sat in the dust, panting like a sick mule. The tall man glowered down at the pathetic form wallowing in his shadow. “What do you want me to do?”

“Please,” said Curio. “Just sit with me for a moment and let me rest. I don’t want to be alone out here.”

LeDarre sighed and then gave in. He sat on a slightly raised mound of dirt. The tall man tipped his hat down over his brow and set his chin on his chest.

“The first time she was only 9 years old. Smelled like a spring afternoon. I only wanted to touch her cheek, feel its supple fruit. I don’t remember much what happened next. I just knew I hated myself for it.” Curio’s breathing eased and he continued.

“But then there were others, younger ones. No matter how much I loathed myself, the urge always returned.”

Why why why oh why why why oh why? Her ass sways in that skirt. It’s too big, but I still like it. I want to sink two big incisors in it and hold on, lock my jaw. Maybe smile for a little while. There is still a way to get back to normal playboy guy, funloving fucker. You know, something more than depraved, perverse weirdo. Or something less, perhaps. A family man, a company man, rocking Coldplay on the iPod, working hard in the suit, selling, rolling calls, setting up the down payment, going to see the new Steven Soderburgh-George Clooney vehicle, wearing blazers, courting the woman in waiting, setting the Saturday tee time, meeting the dudes for happy hour, ohh poker night, Ikea, xBox, Banana Republic, Details subscription, secret Santa anyone?, Starbucks café latte, Monday Night Football, get the car washed, and don’t make me miss Lost this week. Then it escalates. Well, Dave, I was wondering how you would feel about me asking for your daughter’s hand in marriage? Sabrina, I love you baby. What do you want to name our first child? If it’s a boy, how ‘bout Heath or Chad or Seth? A girl, you say? Madison, Meredith, or, I got it, Starr. Yeah, that’s it, honey. I could just make love to you right now and give you your Starr, little Starr, our Starr. Too bad for the world. Too bad for me. Too bad that instead I want to put chewing tobacco in my mouth and chug whiskey in my underwear, cook up a mescaline leaf and then peel the skin from my arms until I can spell FORTRESS in blood. Bathe my neighbor’s cat and then eat it, fur and all. Shit on the carpet, wipe feces on my face and shave with it. Jerk off to online scenes where Max Hardcore pisses in an innocent teen’s mouth before gratification. Too bad, I’ve just organized a séance with the local LaVey chapter, with the sinister agenda to poison them and then pile their unconscious bodies in a cheerleading pyramid, take pictures and then smother them to death in flannel.

Read my tribute to the horror series that never gets old and never dies.

13 Stars of Friday the 13th

And check out this Jason Voorhees artwork by Nat Jones, a talented artist with a resume that reeks of Spawn, 30 Days of Night and Rob Zombie’s The Nail.

jason
Now that is some evil shit.

Was there ever any doubt at all that this guy…

Destined to disturb people.

Destined to disturb.

…would live a fucked up life and end up writing some of the sickest fiction of the 20th Century? Both his parents died in an insane asylum and little H.P. grew up sickly and frail. He dropped out of school and had recurring night terrors his entire life. He was a hermit, xenophobe, bad husband and sexually repressed financial disaster. He lived in pain and died in agony, suffering from intestinal cancer–arguably the most painful form–and a spate of other maladies.

But man did that guy have an imagination. The Cthulhu Mythos and the Necronomicon. All hail.

Also, has anyone else noticed that Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds has a very small role in a Capital One credit card commercial? What is this all about? Shakes.

Truth and Fiction

Over the past few years, a lot of speculative readers have asked me to confirm the veracity of the yarns I’ve spun. They question my honesty. They accuse me of embellishment and fraud. A poor excuse for gonzo journalism, they say. Well, I am here to assure you, loyal friends, that I do not lie. What you read here are merely snippets of my daily existence. Here is a perfect example. I received this email at about 11:15 a.m. CST on February 9, 2009. For the record, I believe her…every word.


Hello:

I believe that things in life happen for a reason. I have never been a writer until recently. I have been told by two world famous psychics that I would write a book and have connections with the government. I was a victim of a chemical spraying gone wrong with the government back in 1997 in Tampa, Florida. My class action lawsuit was dismissed on technicalities in 2003. George Bush forwarded my medical info to the CDC in 2003 right after the lawsuit dismissal against the manufacturer of [Company Name Withheld].

Since then, I have done research and uncovered conspiracy evidence that the government was hiding from the public. I have a disability court hearing pending with the government. When I confronted the government with my conspiracy evidence last year with my similarities to Gulf War Syndrome, Washington reported shortly after that Gulf War Syndrome does exist and their illness is almost identical to my pesticide poisoning. Washington hid the Gulf War Syndrome secret for 17 years and I have to wonder if telling them I would out my conspiracy evidence to the media had any influence of them finally admitting that it does exist a few months ago? I have known since my research done in 2003 that the government was hiding the fact that it existed.

While I have been waiting for my court hearing with the government, I mysteriously got almost identical poisoning symptoms from [Name Withheld]. Both myself and cat got very ill in December. It could have been an ignorant neighbor spraying for bugs in my building or planted by someone not wanting me to out them in my book. The book I want to publish has put other authors in life danger from the evil chemical companies that have friends in our government supporting their evil. Since the mass media is financially controlled by the evil chemical companies, an earlier documentary about [Another Company Name Withheld] was almost immediately pulled. I don’t care if I have to go in hiding and move to another country, but the mass public needs to know what is really going on.

Do you work directly with the mainstream media? I am afraid that someone intentionally may have planted pesticides in my apartment building to shut me up before my book was published. A neighbor in my building had to call an ambulance here a couple of weeks ago. I have classic poisoning symptoms including nerve damage in my right arm that requires a high dose or repeated exposure to pesticides. My book that I want to publish targets two chemical companies, but I may decide to move out of the country soon before I actually publish it since former authors have mysteriously died trying to out them to the public. Would your backers ever consider an article or documentary about chemical conspiracies? I am debating if or how I want to publish what I wrote. I see you doing a lot of different types of content but would you ever consider a topic like mine?

Regards,

Heather Calamity


I’m going to rent Jacob’s Ladder. Shakes,

MM

kuato

In the absurdly violent and thoroughly enjoyable sci-fi movie Total Recall, the leader of the rebel resistance on planet Mars was a parasitic alien called Kuato. A brilliant military strategist and philosopher, the 23-inch Kuato captured the hearts and minds of the disenfranchised Martians he championed. Of course, lost in the charisma and aura of this wonderful creature was the human being who served as the vessel from which Kuato could subsist and command the planetary insurgency. My friend Youngling #2 used to frequently have coffee and talk sports with the guy who played the character in the film (he’s a Texas fan). He became forever known to us as, you guessed it, Kuato’s Host. As a hopeful reminder that even a visionary needs a pulpit, I, Martin McFriend’s visceral carriage, would like to say a word or two about the world we live in today, which is not unlike Mars in the late 21st century.

Troubled times are upon men and women here on planet Earth. The signs are all around us, if you’d care to believe the news media. These desperate hours manifest in the form of economic destabilization, political unrest, war and a pervasive sense of confusion and lack of understanding, even in intelligent minds. Socrates, Buddha and Camus, among others, have stated, insightfully, that ignorance is the root cause of evil in the world. And this perceived inevitably is paraded over and over through the words and actions of leaders, who, either out of self-interested grandstanding or pure cowardice, hide behind ignorance and further propagate the myth of man’s futility in his own affairs.

But to say that nobody knows anything is not a defense of far-flung speculation or justification for dread. It is more or less true that, from a macro perspective, nobody has ever known much of anything at any time throughout history. A fat cat land baron with massive political pull and wealth in an industrialized Western nation typically has zero control over the day-to-day decisions of an Iranian Mullah or provincial Chinese mayor—yet the latter two may indirectly control the fates of thousands, if not millions, of human lives. The failure to translate power across the complete spectrum of civilization is the most compelling evidence against the idea of a shadowy global syndicate that puppeteers our every move (Illuminati, Freemasons, Bilderbergs, etc.). And it is testimony to the idea that, despite the rise of a massive information-driven culture, we still fall prey to widespread ignorance, which makes us so lemming-like.

The idea that we are living in unprecedented and extraordinary times is both irrelevant and untrue. Again, can it not be said that every era is, by definition and intrinsically, unprecedented? That is unless you believe someone out there truly knows the next litany of thoughts that will enter every sentient being’s mind, and in effect, all of our future actions. Casting aside such a reach, we must accept that no time in the present is ever an exact replica of the past, at least not in the three dimensional world (side note: if we are talking the metaphysical, then all of this logic goes out the window since I can only perceive the world and argue its nature in one scientifically established set of polemics at a time—for the other side, I defer to my doppelganger, Mr. McFriend).

Of course, this is not to say that reasonable parallels cannot be made between different time periods. After all, any basic literary theory posits that pretty much all human struggles boil down to the same recurring three conflicts–man vs man, man vs nature, man vs self. Unless we are injecting the supernatural into the equation, these root causes are, once again, what we are facing today. And while it may feel like our lives are one tragic mess right now, I can assure you that we are not the first people, not even the first Americans, to think of our world in an apocalyptic light. This is why, I believe, our great struggle is one of psychology, more than anything else.

We are still free. Free to think, free to speak, free to act. But most of all, we are free to interpret events and make our own decisions. Difficult times are when heroes are made—see Abraham Lincoln and Doug Flutie—and now is no exception. The unraveling or the rapture or the meteor may strike tomorrow, or it may not. Don’t sell yourself short in the meantime. Eat, think, read, have sex and work hard. You never know when and how you’ll meet your maker, but one thing I guarantee, you won’t read about your demise in the Washington Post. That is, unless you are forcefully intruded by a beyonder from another galaxy, such as I have been, in which case anything is possible.

“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” – Jean Paul Sartre

Two years ago, in accordance with star lore, give or take an arcsecond, this translucent vessel made a departure of sorts, widening the old holographic lens, as they say in some further parts, and giving up comfy terra firma in favor of the cold reaches of space. As you may come to see, on some solar flared evening in some dry, not too distant epoch, there is much to learn in the nether reaches of the nebulous void, past the dark matter and onto finer spray, somewhere outside the confines of deep reckoning. It was a transmigration your ol pay was obliged to undertake, part and parcel in an ancient tradition highly celebrated among others of my ilk. Let’s call it a celestial interlude, a sabbatical, if you prefer. But made not in the tradition of R and R. The mission was recalibration; by design, in absentia. From this experience, I have much exciting information to impart, but not in the manner you might expect. For reasons I am unable to articulate in this basic trade language, I cannot discuss the more intimate details of my travels. Instead, I will let my new perspective speak for me, offering insight into your world, which may relate a mild wisdom about your own kind gained only from peering through the other end of the looking glass. Please understand, you will not be equipped to “get it” in most cases, nor should you try. But make no mistake. The time has come for a reawakening, a reinvention, a rebirth. Homecoming of the beyonder is at hand. Marty has returned.

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